I was a mess yesterday morning, and the day before. The reason for that was because it doomed on me that I had uprooted myself and moved to a different country where the average temperature is below freezing and the spoken French is... not to my liking, to be reunited with my partner. And yet, this was another Valentine's Day I would be spending alone. We spoke, as we do every day, and complained about this situation which is completely out of our hands and where the only thing we can do is wait.
I couldn't help but think of an email my partner sent me a while ago, telling me in short how great my way of dealing with this situation was. but the fact is, I don't find myself as saint-like as I was described. I've been living like a hermit, putting my life almost completely on hold while every day revolves around this 4PM Gchat appointment, and limiting the future to the unknown day where some papers will come through. And it is consuming me, my patience, my reason. I hold myself together at some times, but at others I find myself curled in bed, crying unceasingly, or obsessively going over old emails and conversations and feeling angry or disappointed at my partner as if the pain of things that happened in the past and that I thought I have gotten over is awaken again, as vivid and strong as on the first day.
And I end up feeling terrible and disappointed at myself, with a voice telling me I don't deserve the angel my partner is; that I am too selfish and unable to forgive and forget.
Don't misunderstand me; I love my partner, and I see us spending the rest of our life together, getting married, having children, etc. You'll say I'm too young for that; I say that once you find THE person that is so right for you that you feel like you've been dead until you met them, or that you are part of the same being, and your souls have been searching for one another since the beginning of times, it's a huge mistake to let anything come between you, whether it is disputes, disapproving family, being halfway across the world from each other, or just because at 20, society expects you to sleep around and flee serious decisions and commitment like the plague.
This situation is frustrating, because ultimately the only thing there is to do is wait. Wait, and block out thoughts like "we were supposed to be together right now!", try not to get ravaged by heartbreak, and be thankful that this relationship, no matter how difficult, exists.